‘Bangkok Dangerous’: Review

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Since my last Nicolas Cage review almost killed me, let’s try to take things easier. Oh, no, not because Bangkok Dangerous is any better than The Wicker Man, no, it’s just that my sanity needs a break. It’s fitting though, where The Wicker Man was bad in how outlandish and crazy it was, Bangkok Dangerous is bad in how secluded and dull it is. Where The Wicker Man bred unintentional comedy and made you laugh numerous times, Bangkok Dangerous isn’t even funny in how bad it is, it’s just a depressing bare bones not good at all movie.

It’s a legitimate terrible movie! It’s not hiding behind pomp and ridiculousness like The Wicker Man, it’s the ultimate “check your watch every five minutes because why isn’t this over yet” movie. Nicolas Cage himself doesn’t even get to go all modern-day Cage crazy. Instead, he’s a loner assassin who never lets anyone get close to him. No friends, he travels all the time, no attachments, he’s a stone cold killer. Hey, wouldn’t you know it, this is a movie! The dumb kid he gets to help with delivering him his targets eventually becomes a protege and Cage even says that HE SEES A BIT OF HIM IN THE KID. Aren’t cliche’s so great? And wouldn’t you know it, he falls in love with a deaf girl who works at a pharmacy, and some trials and tribulations follow because this is a movie.

Again, just dull all around. It’s even a depressing movie to look at. It’s like someone decided to film 90% of the film at night, leaving things hard to see and just a drag to look at. There’s a story, but who cares. The main “bad guys” of the movie don’t even become an acual thing until like 20 minutes left in the movie where the writer and director were probably like “Oh, wait, we should probably have at least some cobbled together reason to have a shoot-out at the end…… aaaannnnddd you will be the bad guy.” I guess this is supposed to be an “action movie,” but there’s only like three scenes I can think of that are somewhat action-y and none of them were good. Actually, scratch that, there’s one amazing scene from the whole movie (the best scene, obviously) where Cage is following (and shooting at) a boat along a canal while he speeds along on a motorcycle. Nearing the end of his land real estate under the cycle wheels, he does an amazing slo-mo Cage leap onto the boat he was chasing, and then does the most insane thing ever by grabbing the boat propellor, swinging it around and divorcing the dude from his hand. It’s just an amazingly ridiculous action sequence that only Nic Cage could pull off so fantastically that we had to introduce the word Cagey to describe these types of scenes.

I mean, if you’re going to make a bad movie, at least make it entertaining in how bad it was. I was so excited to watch this, because it’s unofficially the pinnacle of the craziest of Nicolas Cage hairstyles. It doesn’t let you down in that respect, looking like a bird made a nest on his head for 100 minutes. I should also randomly mention that Nic Cage hilariously bows twice in this movie to show us all how in touch he is with Thai traditions. Simply amazing. Really the only good thing I can say about the movie is that the ending at least doesn’t take the easy way out and leaves some threads dangling that usually get tied up in these basic action movies. I never thought I’d say this, but a Nicolas Cage movie was actually boring for me, but at least we’ll always have The Wicker Man to cleanse the palette…..

2/10

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