I can’t believe this actually got made, but I’m insanely grateful that it did. Oh, no, I’m not referring to any degree of good quality, of course not, this movie is so bad in so many numerous ways that it’s incredible that it even got made to this degree. I’m not familiar at all with the role-playing game that it was of course based off, but I can no doubt that the fans of the game were fuming in their parents’ basement when they saw the movie. It’s so terribly awful, but yet so goddamn watchable in how many ways it manages to be a horrible movie. Let’s highlight some of them.
There is no plot to this movie, or any that I could discern. I’m very sure that it doesn’t follow any Dungeons & Dragons plotline or famous story, as the titular dragons and dungeons don’t even show up until the climax of the film. It apes so many successful and actually good films that it’s incredible that they weren’t sued on some kind of plagiarism clause. There’s numerous Star Wars copying, from the young matriarch, the “epic” town hall meetings with the counsellor types, idiot sidekicks, and the reflective score. Indiana Jones is not saved from plagiarism, with the main characacter being a younger Indy, a main scene of temple with several booby traps draw from every Indiana Jones film. It seems like writers and director were all like, “Hey, what if we copied all the good parts from the best fantasy and adventure films of all time, wouldn’t that make a movie?” No, it wouldn’t and clearly didn’t, it’s sad how low this movie stoops to try and be relevant.
Dungeons & Dragons does have the honour of having the first ever side-kick to somehow be even more annoying than Jar-Jar Binks. Marlon Wayans gladly takes this honour, playing “Snail” the most stupidest, and stereotypical black character ever. It’s insanely sad and pitiful that they make him fall into every bad black stereotype and incessantly make him an idiot. “Did you see Marlon Wayans do that pratfall? HAHAHAHA that was so funny.” That’s basically a breakdown of the level of humour in this movie. If Marlon Wayans is the benchmark of humour in your movie, then I think you might have a slight problem. He is almost quite literally Jar-Jar Binks in live-action form, and it’s just so-so-so bad. I’m going to spoil that he eventually dies in the movie, but forget about a spoiler tag, because I don’t care. The scene is supposed to play with how sad it is that he got got, but it’s just incredibly hilariois in how schlocky it is, and also relief in not having to deal with him for the rest of the runtime.
Let’s actually talk about the only good thing about this movie. Jeremy Irons. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jeremy Irons is wholly terrible in this, but in doing so this is his greatest performance, and I’m not being funny. Yes, Jeremy Irons is a great actor, with several amazing performances, but nothing compares to how watchable he is in this. Irons is having so fun in being terrible that it’s infectious watching him eat up the scenery that he plays in. Everything is overacted, yelled and PERFORMED that he steals every scene he’s in and whenever he’s not in the scene you’re just waiting for him to pop up. I’m still trying to make sense of him being in this movie in the first place, but I guess he had a castle to pay for, so, hey, easy pay check. Jeremy Irons is the only reason to watch this, and yes you must watch this because of how incredible he is.
Oh my god, this movie is insane how bad it is, have I vocalized that yet? Just incredible. Watch it half-heartedly on YouTube during class or work, that’s how I did, seems like the best way to reward its awfulness.